ugh i have so much going on and, what i feel like, no time at all to accomplish it. i'm really frustrated with my life right now. i need money, i need inspiration, i need hugs, i need a shoulder to cry on. it's probably because my period is supposed to start today but oh my god i just want to explode!

i'm basically swamped with things to do until next wednesday afternoon, when i get to drive down to san francisco. then, home for spring break with my best friend and ugh, it's going to be nice. i'm so excited to go home; i'm so burned out with school that it's ridiculous.

yeah tiny entry but whatever. i can't even focus on this right now. that's how bad things are.

So this weekend is definitely been a weird one. My best friend, Megan, is currently in California for a family get together and my other best friend, Angela, is staying with her boyfriend in Washington. Thus I've kind of had to ~branch out~ if you will and it's been weird. Today I hung out with my fellow Creative Writing major friend, Alex, and we had a good time discussing the people in our major and how much we hate our stories. She's definitely in the same boat as I am...it's awesome.

In other news, my 21st birthday is three days away! Yay! I'm excited. Basically I'm not going on a 21 Run, but instead just going to dinner (Smokey Mountain Pizza with a free personal pizza? Yes please!) and ordering a drink and then hanging out with my friends. It's going to be fun.

I have a lot to do and no motivation to do it. I'm currently really hungry...I don't want to go to Bob's since my shoes are sopping wet since it's nasty out. Maybe I'll make a spicy cup of noodles instead. Who knows at this point.

Yeah my life is so entertaining, but that's kind of it. I'm not really much of a blogger. I just like to get my thoughts out on a page. So yeah.

xoxo

Wow. The last time I posted to this blog was a year ago. A year and a day. It's so crazy how fast time flies and how much has changed in 365 days. It's another year, 2012, the one where we're supposedly going to die.

But you know what, I don't believe in any of that bullshit.

I'm going to use this blog for something else. As my private place, for my private thoughts, my feelings, my word vomit, everything so that in another year, January 23, 2013 when the world hasn't ended and I get the urge to blog, I'll read this and laugh at myself, at how much I've changed. If you read this, you're a lucky one, congratulations. This is for our eyes, mine and yours, and I would like to keep it that way.

Who am I kidding though? Nothing is ever private on the internet.

day 3.

007. blankets: i love blankets. i love the feeling of cuddling up in one and just getting so cozy and warm and how they're just so wonderful.
008. my heating pad: i made it out of this cute alligator print fabric last year and i looove it. it's helped me through many the cramp and achy body part and i'm absolutely thankful for it. mmmm.
009. my laptop: i have a mac and it is my baby and i am completely and 100% addicted to it. it's the only way i manage to stay connected to the world these days. SO YEAH.

summer realizations.

just a paragraph i liked out of a piece i wrote last night:


Mama smiles approvingly and I carefully unfold my legs, taking another sip of my drink as I stand. I’m tall and lanky, like a foal, and I never quite grew out of my gangly, awkward stage. Knobby knees, pointy elbows, hipbones that jut out too far…sometimes I wonder what Sam even sees in me. But times like this: languid summer days where the sun beats down on you and birds chirp in the trees and the neighbors are firing up their grills for another late night with friends…these are the kinds of days I feel empowered most. I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it. A few more weeks and it will be fall. I will fall back into my routine habits with bruised knees and a complacent, tired demeanor where saying yes will get me farther than saying no. For now, I figure I’ll just enjoy being able to say no and floating away in the swimming pool, an ice cold drink sitting on the deck, enjoying the feeling of the sun on my skin and the constant, unchanging undertone of complete and utter satisfaction.

day 2.

004. words: i know, words, how strange is that. but i'm a writer. i can't paint to save my life, i can't sculpt, i am not artistic in any way, shape or form, but i'm good at words. i know how to b.s. a paper among the best of them, i can create a scene out of thin air, writing about my characters is like a second nature....i love words. i love expression, i love picking out descriptions, i love being able to use language to share how i feel on the inside.
005. hot water: i am extremely grateful for hot water. one of the tanks went out over this past weekend at school and it was absolutely awful...ugh. nothing worse than a cold shower, especially when it's freezing outside!
006. pancakes: they are one of the most amazing foods known to mankind. i want a pancake factory. the end.

daisy.

He loves me, he loves me not.

She sits on the porch steps, picking golden petals off the daisy held in her hand. This is her ritual, every afternoon, 5:10 pm. She has to end on ‘he loves me’. Everything is okay if she lands on that. If she ends on the latter, she does it again. And again. Three times. He brushes past her on his way inside, barely noticing she is even there. She swallows. 

He loves me not.

She sighs, tossing the wasted flower to the ground, picking another. She begins once again. Third time’s the charm.